Recently I was asked to speak to a group of mothers on discipline. Below is my transcript from that event. As I say below, If you have struggled with finding joy in motherhood and
parenting, weary with knowing how to discipline, listen to my journey and see
if it can be an encouragement to you.
Hi, my name
is Heidi Cooper and I
have been married for 18 years to my husband, Tony. We have three kids:
Evan-who is 12, Addie-who is 8, and Isaiah-who is 5. I always wanted to be a mom. My mom did an
excellent job showing me the importance of motherhood. I went off to college
with the intent of finding a good husband and then starting a family and
staying home to be a mom.
Pre-motherhood
is full of big dreams and great intentions, your kids are going to become great
missionaries who save the lost people of Africa and you have weekly games
constructed to prepare them for life in the bush (or whatever your dream may
be). But even the best prepared mom quickly realizes a few short weeks into
motherhood that the days are longer and harder than you anticipated. Soon those
long days with the struggles of doubt of raising a newborn, gradually become
seeds of impatience with a learning toddler who thinks everything belongs to
her and should be available to her at all times, which grows into frustration
towards a messy preschooler who resembles a small indoor tornado leaving a
mile-wide path of destruction wherever he roams, and next thing you know, yelling
empty threats is becoming a part of your daily schedule to your disobedient 9
year old who has developed a keen sense of knowing what and whose buttons to
push at the perfect time. You know theoretically
that you are the one who is suppose be in charge around here so you hastily
bark out something, anything to get their attention.
Stop yelling at your brother!
Why can’t you remember something as
simple as flushing the toilet?
Is it so hard to put the shoes 1
foot farther to the right so they are actually in the closet?
Do
you know how hard I worked to get us ready for this vacation and all you can do
is fight with your sister? Now get in the car, we are going to go have fun as a
family!
You know
what is spewing out of your mouth is wrong, but at the same time you do not
even care because you feel the need to release your venom!
Does any of
this sound familiar to you? Certainly not the description of the Proverbs 31
woman! Well, I have good news and I have bad news for you. The good news…you
are not alone! Don’t believe everything you see on Pinterest and Facebook. Not all mothering moments are instagram
worthy!
The bad
news… kids copy what they see modeled for them, so it’s probably your own fault. At least that’s what
the Lord showed me. If you have struggled with finding joy in motherhood and
parenting, weary with knowing how to discipline, listen to my journey and see
if it can be an encouragement to you.
Three years ago, God began to move our family in a new direction. He
moved us from sending the kids to a private Christian school to homeschooling.
This meant having them home, all day, all
year, and being
responsible for their entire education.
At the same time, we felt Him leading my husband to quit his full-time
computer programming job and go to seminary full time. This added the challenge
of no money and less dad time.
My shortcomings surfaced real quickly. And I was fairly certain we were
going to all hate each other by Thanksgiving. You’ve heard the saying “Be sure
your sin will find you out?” Well, you can also be sure your kids will be the
ones to bring them out and point them out! And now with them home all day they
had plenty of opportunity! I knew this
new season of life was going to be a time of sanctification for me. And God
used the task of disciplining my kids as the main tool of reform.
Colossians
3:16 says, Let the word of Christ
dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and
hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.
Well, the word of Christ was dwelling in me sometimes, and I was most
certainly not singing psalms, hymns, or spiritual songs in my disciplining
moments. I had the admonishment part down, except that it was not in wisdom or
with thankfulness in my heart. It was with sarcasm and anger. God was revealing
to me some sin in my life in regards to mothering. I was being selfish,
discontent, impatient, angry. I was not using self-control, basically the
opposite of all of the fruit of the spirit. What struck me hardest was
realizing what example I was being to my kids, especially my daughter. Was the
way I was parenting encouraging Addie to one day want to be a mom the way my
mom did to me? Would she know that God created motherhood to be a joy and not a
burden? I knew He had, but joy would not be the word I would have chosen
to describe motherhood so far. Weary was more like what I was feeling.
God showed me that places where I would get frustrated are a good place
to start changing. Why was I getting angry when the kids were disobedient? Why
did my heart seek revenge in discipline? I realized my sin came from the
attitude of "you have gone against MY rules and here's what I have to say
about it!" when it should have been "you have gone against God's
rules and let's see what He has to say about it." I
had been deceived. I had misunderstood the repetition of daily pulling weeds of
sin in my kid’s life as well as in my own life. I was seeing it as failure
instead of basic Christian living-a means of grace to teach us to become
Christ-like. Repetition is how we learn. It gives us another chance to improve.
It helps us master what we are learning. Paul says in Philippians 4, “for I have learned to be
content whatever the circumstances. I
know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in
any and every situation.” Paul
learned contentment through repetition. God repeatedly put him in different
situations so that he could master contentment. It didn’t mean failure. It
meant sanctification. It meant learning to rely on Christ, because he continues
in verse 13 with, ”I can do all this through Christ who gives
me strength.“
Sin like old habits die hard. I needed a plan. I wanted the Bible to
guide my disciplining, but I needed a cheat sheet to know where to find the
right scripture to help me when my patience was thin. I also wanted an idea for a consequence that
fit the crime as a prompt to guide my disciplinary action so I wouldn’t blurt
out empty threats like “No more electronics for a month!” or “If I step on
another Lego, I’m going to throw them all away!” Tony and I spent a weekend
working this out and I came up with a discipline chart. I had it printed and it
is posted in our kitchen. We spent several meal times going over it with the
kids so we were all clear on what was expected, and what they could expect if
they disobeyed.
The chart has 3 columns-Behavior, What God Says, and Consequences.
I came up with a list of the most common “offenses” such as
Arguing/Causing Trouble, Abusing other’s property, foolish talk, etc... and then
looked up several Bible verses for each sin. I printed out the full scripture
of my favorite verse that I felt described best how God says we should act in
each situation, and then listed several others as references that we could look
up if we needed to add variety.
The third column is a list of consequences. This is mainly an idea
listed of how I could handle the punishment. We quite often add or subtract
from the listed consequence based on the situation and the child involved. Some
of my children feel more sorrow from electronics time taken away than a
spanking, and another child of mine will come and confess on her own her
wrongdoing even though I would have never found out and a look of
disappointment from me will cause tears of sorrow.
So, for example: Complaining/Whining-
Philippians
2:14-Do all things without grumbling or questioning.
Psalm
19:14-Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be
acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer.
Ephesians
4:29
The
consequence idea listed is additional work or do not receive what was whined
for.
As we began implementing the chart I soon saw that as I would speak
truth to my kids about being impatient, God would speak truth to me about my
impatience. As I would read verses about laziness to my child, God would shine
a light on my own laziness. I must say, when we are consistent with using our
chart for times of discipline, mothering is more joyful. My admonishing
was coming from wisdom, not anger. And it was also turning into a sweet time of
teaching them about God. God was changing me and my kids. To take the time and think about how our actions were
wrong and what God says about it in His Word and taking the time to give our
kids the gospel and point them to Christ goes so much farther than "why
can't you ever pick up your toys when I ask you to!" It has really helped
to discipline my kids with the mindset of “I know that I am not worthy to be
obeyed, I mess up just like you, but God is worthy to be obeyed and he has
asked you as kids to obey your parents for it is right, and it will go well
with you, so let’s look to God’s word and see what he has to say about …lying
or arguing or whatever the situation may be.”
I had also been deceived
by the hard work of mothering. I was tired of dealing with the same
things every day. The fatigue and repetition of the mundane were perceived as
discouragement and hard. But God showed me that the valley days of motherhood
doesn’t mean I lost my way. The times that the work is hard is where the change takes place.
Opportunities to bless may be most present when we don’t feel like it. Just
like exercising, the results are seen when it gets hard. If you give up every
time the running gets hard and you don’t feel like running, you will never grow
as a runner and will never see results. I always thought the passage in Hebrews
about running with endurance was for missionaries or pastors. It says, “let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our
faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross.” But it’s not
just for missionaries; it is for moms too! Our mission field is our kids. We
are the ones teaching them daily about the gospel. It is hard to stop supper and go downstairs
to correct wrong speech each time. It’s hard to function on 3hrs of sleep
because you were up with a sick child. It’s hard to put down my crafts to play
nail salon or help build a Lego helicopter. It’s hard to get out of your warm
bed and stay up with a sleepless child. It’s hard to take the time to
discipline with wisdom instead of yelling, “Everybody just stop it!” The days that
the race set before us travels through a valley is where you learn to trust in
Christ. But, what does it mean to trust in Christ? Christians say that all the
time. Or,” just give it to Jesus.” That sounds great! I’d love to, but how do I
give my whiny child to Jesus? Believe
me there are days I would LOVE to give my children to Jesus!
John Piper has helped me understand this concept with the
acronym APTAT.
A.P.T.A.T. stands for
Admit, Pray, Trust, Act, and Thank.
Let’s set up a scenario and run it through APTAT.
It’s 5:00, that
witching hour when everyone is hungry, you are trying to get supper going, and
waiting for your husband to get home from work. Your 5 year old comes to you
complaining that his brother kicked him! His brother responds with, “that’s
because he was poking me while I was trying to play a game and was making me
lose!”
So, I take a deep
breath and quickly run through APTAT in my head.
A-Admit
that you can’t do it. I tell God, I can’t do this right now. I am making supper
and I want to just yell at them, but I
know that isn’t right.
P-Pray “God, help me! I need you!”
T-Trust a specific promise like, “I can
do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” Or “My God shall supply
all your needs.” Or” If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God and He will
give it to you.” Yes, that one sounds good for this, because I don’t have a
clue what to say! This is where letting the word of Christ dwell on you richly
comes in handy. You will know what promises are available to you!
A-Act You act! You don’t want to take the
time to discipline right now, but you slow down and do it knowing God will help
you. So you gently ask the boys to come look at the chart with you and say,
“Evan, was it right to kick your brother?”
And
he says, “no, but he kept poking me even after I asked him to stop twice!”
”
Isaiah, was it right of you to poke Evan?”
“NO,
but he wouldn’t let me have a turn.”
So
it sounds like you two are causing trouble and fighting. Let’s see what the
Bible says about that.
We
go over to the chart and read-Arguing/fighting/causing trouble
2 Timothy 2:24-25- And
the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach,
patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness.
You guys are the Lord’s servants and he says that you are not to
quarrel, but be kind. Were you being kind to each other? And it says you are to
patiently endure evil, correcting with gentleness. Evan, did you endure your
brother’s evil and correct his wrong behavior with gentleness?
“I asked him nice twice…”
“It doesn’t say correct with gentleness twice and then try
kicking!”
“You guys are brothers. You are going to be brothers forever!
Evan, Is it more important to have a
good score on a game or to treat your brother with love? Isaiah, is it more
important to have your turn on the game or wait patiently for Evan to be done?
You two need to apologize to each other and your consequence for
causing trouble is that you have both lost the rest of your electronics time
for the day, and I want you together to come up with something to play in your
room with each other until supper is ready.
T-Thank God. Thank him for faithfully
helping you again! Thank him for helping your child understand where they were
wrong and for giving them a repentant spirit. Thank him for helping you
discipline rightly and giving you words to correct wrong behavior with and giving
you the strength to endure another squabble.
This to me is what giving it to Jesus means.
God has promised to bless those who hunger and thirst for
righteousness. He says they will be satisfied! So go to Him. Humble yourself. Ask for His help. He promises to satisfy you.
So mothers, Let us not grow weary in doing good; for
in due season we will reap, if we do
not give up. There
is hope! Our kids do copy what they see us do. So let’s start modeling kind
words and forgiveness and repentance and self-control. Let them see you asking
God for help. And one day you will begin to notice that those piles of
shoes thrown about the entryway that used to lead to anger is now first
stirring up thoughts of thankfulness in your heart to God because it means you
live in a home full of children you love.
We will not
be mothers of little children forever. They will
grow. And move away. I want to know what it is to be content when I have plenty
of children at home and when I have none. God is not training you for no
reason. Practice. Practice. Practice. And then you will see that the Proverbs
31 woman won’t look so far off anymore.
She opens her mouth with wisdom,
and
the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
27 She looks well to the ways of her household
and
does not eat the bread of idleness.
28 Her children rise up and call her blessed;
her
husband also, and he praises her:
If you think a Behavior Chart would be a useful tool to help you discipline your kids or grand kids consistently, they are available at https://www.etsy.com/listing/156526656/behavior-chart
